Our Perfect Employee

There is always an extremely high turnover rate in retail. The well educated and real self motivators always seem to find an open window of opportunity elsewhere. It's a very certain kind of individual that can hang on long enough to prosper in this world. I have seen many different folks traverse through the giant automated doors. It seems that every time I make a new friend they turn in their notice and move on to their greater destiny. I have seen the qualities that work and those that do not. Armed with years of experience I can recognize with in the first 10 minutes of working with someone where this relationship is headed. Basically if I had to choose a specific model of retail employee perfection it would be none other than the beloved Spongebob Squarepants.  He alone is the mascot for successfully surviving this tedious workplace. He is the eternal optimist, even in the face of disaster. He always let's things just roll off his back, never getting agitated. He enjoys his work and loves his co-workers. He never calls in sick. He never questions authority. Has he ever gotten a paycheck? Spongebob is self sacrificing for the good of the Krusty Krab. This my friends is the star employee. I would hire him immediately!

Spongebob: Remember Patrick, flatter the customer, make him feel good.

[Man opens his door.]

Patrick: I love you.

Some day, with a little luck, and a tiny pinch of magic, all your dreams will come true!-Spongebob 

Spongebob, stop! Your kindness is bringing everybody back!
-Plankton

Mermaid Man: Now, who wants to save the world? SpongeBob: I do! Patrick: I do! Sandy Cheeks: I do! Squidward: I don't. Mr. Krabs: Oh, yes you do, no world means no money, so either save the world, or you're fired! 

Psst, Squidward, I'm working in the kitchen... at night! Hey Squidward, guess what? I'm chopping lettuce... at night! Look at me, I'm swabbing the bathroom... at night! OW I burned my hand!... at night! 

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SpongeBob SquarePants
Isn't this great Squidward? Just you & me together for hours and hours and hours! And then the sun'll come up, and it'll be tomorrow, and we'll still be working! It'll be just like a sleepover! Only we'll be sweaty and covered with grease! 

-SpongeBob SquarePant 

Possessing these qualities will keep your mind intact and allow you to have a long career with our company.